Not grammatically correct title, but it says a lot about me.
My life is one that focuses abundantly on me. From the time when I was young, I ensured that I did well for examinations throughout my educational journey from primary school to higher degree. I must be better than the next person in terms of grades.
Continuing into adult life, the emphasis moved from exceling in study to perfecting my career and setting up a wonderful family.
At this juncture, I must clarify one point. That is there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to progress and to be the best one can be.
What I have found out is that if I am not better than the other person, I would brood about it and wished secretly I could be better. Thoughts arose that I am not good enough and I am less than perfect. I become the centre of focus. I never consider the feelings of others who may not have done as well. They too deserve my understanding.
There is too much conceit in me that if I will to make an embarrassing blunder, I would dwell on the incident and it would affect me for a few days and even recalled them years later. I will withdraw from taking on similar activity in the future. There were many such incidents. Why can’t I be like the other person who is so good at it?
Recently, I had been asked to represent a group of 64 as their spokesperson. I took it that I must be special to be chosen. Pride crept in. I even asked my wife how I performed eventhough I knew that I did alright. I am still self-conscious and this is a hindrance towards my self- development.
After so many years, I still hold this “I“ as very important. I extend this self-importance to my immediate family members. I pay special attention to them but this was not easily replicated towards others. They too deserve my care.
Even when I say that people deserve my understanding and my care, the “I” creeps in as well. In truth, I still want to feel good that I can look out for others. I ought to reach out to others without any tinge of pride. Do it with a heart of loving-kindness without arising the thought of “l” as the doer. Let go of the “I” which is hard to imagine as ever possible. I am still working on it.