I am Full of I

Not grammatically correct title, but it says a lot about me.

My life is one that focuses abundantly on me. From the time when I was young, I ensured that I did well for examinations throughout my educational journey from primary school to higher degree. I must be better than the next person in terms of grades.

Continuing into adult life, the emphasis moved from exceling in study to perfecting my career and setting up a wonderful family.

At this juncture, I must clarify one point. That is there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to progress and to be the best one can be.

What I have found out is that if I am not better than the other person, I would brood about it and wished secretly I could be better. Thoughts arose that I am not good enough and I am less than perfect. I become the centre of focus. I never consider the feelings of others who may not have done as well. They too deserve my understanding.

There is too much conceit in me that if I will to make an embarrassing blunder, I would dwell on the incident and it would affect me for a few days and even recalled them years later. I will withdraw from taking on similar activity in the future. There were many such incidents. Why can’t I be like the other person who is so good at it?

Recently, I had been asked to represent a group of 64 as their spokesperson. I took it that I must be special to be chosen. Pride crept in. I even asked my wife how I performed eventhough I knew that I did alright. I am still self-conscious and this is a hindrance towards my self- development.

After so many years, I still hold this “I“ as very important. I extend this self-importance to my immediate family members. I pay special attention to them but this was not easily replicated towards others. They too deserve my care.

Even when I say that people deserve my understanding and my care, the “I” creeps in as well. In truth, I still want to feel good that I can look out for others. I ought to reach out to others without any tinge of pride. Do it with a heart of loving-kindness without arising the thought of “l” as the doer. Let go of the “I” which is hard to imagine as ever possible. I am still working on it.

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1 Response to I am Full of I

  1. Charles says:

    That’s way some people say that word “SIN” is spelt with a big “I” in between. I need God to deal with my big “I” too.

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